im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
