I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
