i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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