I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
