Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
