guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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