atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
