At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
