just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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