Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
