I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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