Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
