Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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