Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
