It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
