I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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