I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
