Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
