I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
