____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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