Duck Duck Cougar?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
