went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
