Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
