when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
