I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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