apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
