We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
