My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
