Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
