i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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