Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
