Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
