You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
