she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
