i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
