wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
