OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
