Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
