dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
