i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
