don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
