Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
