so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
