It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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