Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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