i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
