all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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