Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
