some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just found puke in my bra..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
