I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
